Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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