He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
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