im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
