I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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