So drunk its hurt
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
