Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
