What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
