I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
