he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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