Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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