Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
