just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize