i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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