Cold hands, warm shart.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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