Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize