Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I came so hard my ears popped.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
