I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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