I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
cat food counts as protein by the way
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
