so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
