I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
