dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
