I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I deserve this hangover.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
