i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
There's always time for handjobs
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
