You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
