went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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