i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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