weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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