Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
