so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I am full of burrito and curiosity
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize