my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
