JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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