You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize