it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
