I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
