i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Everything about him screamed your future.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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