Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You're like the curious george of whores
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
