New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
