I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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