at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
