She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
