I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
