i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
