god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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