as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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