sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you didnt know i had herpes?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
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