i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
