My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
