Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
