just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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