When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize