The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i now understand why vodka
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize