I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize