So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
