I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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