sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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