seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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