U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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