Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
