i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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