I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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