I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
