if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
