i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
