I wish my penis had an off switch
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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