there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
