When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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