My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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