if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
